


A Spark in the Darkness

by orphan_account



Category: The Binding - Bridget Collins
Genre: M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:13:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21719728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lucian realizes that getting his memories back was the easy part.  The rest is anything but.
Relationships: Lucian Darnay/Emmett Farmer
Comments: 4
Kudos: 62
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	A Spark in the Darkness

When Lucian kissed Emmett for the first time, he wasn't at all sure how Emmett would respond. He knew what he wanted, had wanted since the first time he'd seen Emmett, prowling around with Alta in the cold, grey puffs of breath in the gathering darkness, tall and lean with the kind of rugged handsomeness that Lucian could never defend against. And then he'd turned and looked straight at Lucian, his eyes seeming to take in everything about Lucian in a single glance, intelligence stamped in every single feature, and that had been it. 

Lucian was always a sucker for a pretty face. 

Even in that first moment he had known Emmett would be trouble, but he could never have imagined how much.

Not that, as he leaned forward to press his lips hard against Emmett's, his hands curling lightly around Emmett's hips, he would have changed a single moment of their time together, no matter how much trouble it meant for him. Before Emmett, before Lucian started spending nearly all of this time with him or thinking about him, he'd been so alone and so unmoored and so bored. 

Emmett changed everything. Emmett was like a blazing comet, burning away everything in his wake. He made Lucian want to be different. He reminded him that he could be.

He deepened the kiss, trying his luck. He expected Emmett to push him away, maybe even to hit him again. For weeks he'd been fooling himself that he wasn't alone in his attraction, that when Emmett caught his eye or smiled at a joke, he felt the same frissions of heat between them, the same magnetic attraction, the same insatiable desire, and then Emmett would scowl, or ignore him, and Lucian felt everything slipping away. 

He was never very good at uncertainty. 

When Lucian kissed him, he was burning a bridge - he assumed Emmett would never speak to him again, and he'd tell Alta and his parents, and then everything would be over. If he couldn't have Emmett the way he wanted him, he wanted Emmett to loathe him. Forever. Kissing him seemed like the quickest way there. 

The thing was, he never expected Emmett to kiss him back. He definitely never expected Emmett to kiss him like he was starving, like kissing Lucian was the only thing in the entire world. Before he knew it, Emmett was pressing him against the rough stones of the wall with his full weight, his hands gripping Lucian's shoulders like he was never going to let him go.

That's when everything changed, of course.

*  
When she had been younger, Alta had spent hours with her school slate, drawing the familiar maps of the country and marking all the places she planned to go someday. There were dozens of cities along the coast that she was determined to spend a Turning. The only traveling Emmett had ever expected he'd do was to Castleford to buy farm equipment. He would never have recognized himself, running away with his lover with no plan and very little money, and still so happy he worried he'd burst.

He no longer thought that was a bad thing. 

He led Lucian into the woods, heading away from the smoke and the road and hoping no one else had seen them. Lucian seemed to be holding up a lot better than Emmett himself had when his book had been burnt, but then Lucian had always been better at hiding his feelings and getting on with things. Emmett reached out and took his hand gently, giving Lucian plenty of chances to pull away. He didn't want to make any assumptions, not after everything that had happened in the past few months. 

He had been daydreaming about Lucian's memories coming back for weeks, but now that it had actually happened he found himself more afraid than anything else: afraid that too much had changed, afraid that Lucian wouldn't see him the same way. And he never forgot: he wasn't leaving anything behind; Lucian was leaving everything. 

Even in his wildest fantasies he hadn't thought he would get to keep him. He had told Lucian he loved him, and he meant it, but he hadn't thought about what it would mean to say it out loud. How it might change things. When Lucian squeezed his hand, Emmett squeezed back, and when Emmett grinned at him, Lucian grinned back, and that was the moment when Emmett knew they were going to be okay. 

That was also the moment that Lucian pulled him close and pressed him against a tree. 

Before Emmett could say anything Lucian was kissing him. Emmett kissed him back faster thank thinking, wrapping his arms around him. There was a moment of uncertainty, of gentleness and hesitation uncharacteristic for them both, and then they were kissing hard, pressed together, hands ripping through hair and practically clawing at each other's clothes.

It was only when Lucian's fingers stroked along the length of his cock that Emmett jerked into awareness. "We don't have time for this," Emmett reminded him, gasping for breath.

"I think we can make some." Lucian kissed him again quickly. "I promise it will be worth your while."

It took all of Emmett's self-discipline not to agree. "We need to catch a train." 

Lucian sighed, but he also removed his hand. "I wish you weren't always the sensible one."

"Me, too," Emmett sighed, pulling away slightly. Just enough to clear his head a little. "You'll thank me later."

Lucian rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling like he wasn't sure he would ever be able to stop. "Later, I hope I'll be doing a lot more than that."

Emmett took a deep breath, stiffening his resolve, before taking Lucian's hand and pulling him away toward the station.

*

After that, all he could hear was the way Lucian's voice had gone low, all he could see was the way Lucian's eyes focused on Emmett's face like Emmett was the only person in the world. All he could think about was mouths and tongues and hands and Lucian remembering. He had never felt more lonely than the night he had spent with Lucian when he remembered and Lucian hadn't - not just the next morning, when Lucian left before he woke up, but all of it, every touch and kiss and moment when he expected connection and found nothing at all. The thought of being with him when they both remembered everything was more than enough to drive him to distraction.

It was only once they were on the train that he looked at Lucian closely. His eyes were still tinged red from smoke, and there was a black smear of soot on the corner of his forehead. "Are you okay? Really?" he asked quietly.

"I think so. Everything is just - " He waved his hand vaguely.

Emmett nodded. "I know." He remembered his own book burning with nothing short of horror. "The memories will settle," he offered.

"How long did it take, for you?"

Emmett picked at a hole in his shirt. "Longer than I would have liked," he sighed. "You'll be fine in a day or so."

"And the new memories will be like all the others? Right now they seem different." He bit his lip. "More intense."

Emmett considered. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "They're more vivid than most of my other memories, but I can't tell if that's because of the binding or because they were just more intense to begin with. I'd never been that happy before."

"Then it will be the same for me." Lucian's gaze was steady. 

"Then I think you'll be fine." Emmett sighed. The not knowing was the worst part, he decided. "I wish Seredith were here, so I could ask her about how this part works." He'd been thinking about Seredith a lot lately, especially after being in the house on the marshes again, with its familiar light and familiar sounds, as dear to him as the house he'd grown up in.

"You miss her a lot."

"I do. She was a good teacher, and she understood a lot of things about people." He glanced quickly at Lucian, then away. "I guess I could have made a different choice after she died, maybe I could've gone somewhere else, other than with de Havilland." He tapped a finger on the fogged glass of the train and considered. "Maybe it was already too late, and I'm just fooling myself." 

"Did you want to? Do something else?"

"I told myself I had to go with de Havilland to Castleford because I was afraid of binding and I hated that. I needed to conquer the fear. But I think that some part of me just remembered the horrible things my family said to me when they found out about - " he waved a hand between them " - and knew I couldn't ever go back to how things had been."

It was Lucian's turn to frown. "You'd been bound. You couldn't have remembered."

"Binding is supposed to remove all of the memories, but every time I saw you I practically swooned." 

Lucian raised an eyebrow, his mouth pursed to say something clever, and Emmett shook his head.

"Not like that. Part of me remembered. Maybe because I'm a binder myself, the binding didn't take completely… I don't know. But I knew I couldn't go home, and I came up with a plausible enough reason for it."

"It wasn't like that for me. I really didn't remember you at all." 

"I know." Emmett smiled. "You can make that up to me later."

Lucian laughed, then hesitated. "Your family would have forgiven you eventually." 

"Maybe," Emmett mused, "but maybe not. And even if they did, I'll never forget the way they looked at me. I don't think I realized until the end how much everyone was counting on you marrying Alta. My mother once told me that I was very naive - I suppose that's true."

"It was one of the things I always liked about you. I didn't call it naiveté, though - more like innocence." 

Emmett raised an eyebrow. "Aren't those the same things?"

"One sounds better than the other." 

Emmett rolled his eyes.

"You were always straightforward with me. I liked that, even when I thought you straightforwardly hated me. Though I don't suppose de Havilland found it as charming as I did." 

"No," Emmett agreed, "he really didn't."

"So you weren't worried about getting sick again?"

"I mostly tried not to think about it."

"Is it something we should be worried about now?" Lucian looked worried, and Emmett wanted to hug him. It felt like it had been a long time since someone had actually cared about him enough to worry. 

"It's called binderbound fever. Once my books was burnt, I don't think I can get sick again, not like I was. But it's hard to say," he admitted, "because I just don't know." He made a frustrated, half strangled noise. "I was never taught half the things I need to know. I'm not sure why anyone would want me to bind them, when I don't know anything." 

"I doubt a lot of binders have ever been bound, and even less have had their books burned," Lucian pointed out. "You've already learned more through firsthand experience than most of the other binders in the world." He touched Emmett's hand lightly. "Just don't forget that."

"I don't think that's likely. Although I hope you don't end up paying for any of my mistakes."

Lucian grinned at him. "Worth paying for, I think."

Emmett chuckled. "That's definitely not the Darnay motto."

"No, but I've never been particularly good at being a Darnay," Lucian shrugged. "I'm sure my father has always wished for more sons. He certainly is now." 

"Are you going to miss your life there?" Emmett tried to keep his tone as light as possible.

"Definitely not," Lucian said immediately. "There wasn't much of a life to miss." He tugged on the collar of his shirt. "Although I wish I'd gone home and packed some things."

Emmett raised an eyebrow.

"Right," Lucian muttered, "that wouldn't have worked. But I'll need some clothes." 

Emmett figured reality was finally breaking through the haze of new memories, which was probably a good thing. He had concocted the plan of going to Newton, and if he did say so himself it wasn't a terrible plan, but Lucian had always known more about the world outside the farm than Emmett did. Lucian understood how people worked, what motivated them, and having him checked into the logistics of their situation was what Emmett needed. He trusted that by the time they got to Newton, Lucian would have an entire plan. He couldn't help leaning their shoulders together, close enough to feel Lucian's heat through the thin fabric but not close enough to be suspicious - he hoped. He stayed there for the rest of the trip, drifting in and out of the first contented sleep he'd had in months.

*

At some point, Lucian must've fallen asleep, and he woke to Emmett shaking him gently. He leaned into the touch without thinking, entirely familiar and trusting. That… was new. Except it wasn't. It still felt new, though. 

"We're here," Emmett said, his mouth just close enough to Lucian's ear that he could almost imagine turning into it, letting Emmett kiss him.

...which wasn't ever going to happen on a crowded train.

Lucian sighed and opened his eyes. Darkness had fallen while he slept, and he felt disoriented and cold. The happiness was still a bonfire in his stomach and it was still such a stark contrast to everything he'd felt for the past few months that it felt like a revelation. Happiness had always existed for him in theory only; he had certainly never expected to actually find it. One of the reasons he'd decided to bind his memories of Emmett was as a way to punish himself for expecting to have anything but misery in his life: to burn down every good thing, and salt the earth. He hoped he would never be that stupid again. 

Luckily, he'd have Emmett to look after him, and it didn't seem to matter that he didn't deserve it.

He peered out the window as they waited to disembark, wishing he remembered more about the city. Newton had been important in the Crusade as a recruiting center, which was one of the reasons binders tended to be few just after the Crusade ended, and why they'd flocked to it to fill that void in later years. His father had once contracted with one of the rubber factories here - Lucian has found the old bills and correspondence in a desk drawer - but finding work might be a challenge if he didn't trade on the Darnay name, and that was one thing he was never going to do again, no matter how dire their circumstances. He was surprised at how little he cared.

He followed Emmett off the train, ending up standing in the dirty snow of the station. He frowned down at the new shoes he'd had made for the wedding, feeling the wet creeping into the leather and settling between his toes. He mentally added getting new shoes to the list of things they'd have to look into the next day, depending on how much they were able to stretch whatever money they had.

Emmett was looking around the city square around the station. He had the tiny lines between his brows that he got whenever he was worried, and Lucian reached without thinking to smooth them away. "Everything will look better in the morning," he said, hoping it was true.

Emmett nodded reluctantly. "We need to find a place to stay."

"That I am good at."

*

The inn that Lucian steered them to was well outside the fashionable center of the city and had a dirty Room for Rent sign on the door and cracked panes in the window. Emmett raised an eyebrow, but Lucian just shrugged. "I thought we'd need to conserve funds as much as possible."

"I just didn't know you knew how to do that. Conserve funds, I mean."

Lucian gave him a wry smile. "I have a lot of skills you haven't seen yet."

The woman who let them the room was obviously suspicious, though Lucian wasn't sure if that was just how she reacted to any strangers or if it was because they were two men. 

"There's only one room," she said, eyes narrowed. She was dour and looked old to Lucian's eyes, but it was hard to tell if the lines around her mouth were caused by age or her refusal to do anything but scowl at them.

Emmett didn't look at him, but Lucian felt him hesitate for just a moment before reaching into his pocket and handing the woman some of their money. She brightened considerably at that. "Two nights, then?"

"For now." Lucian gave her his most charming smile, which she ignored completely. He thought he heard Emmett snort. 

None of that mattered, though, because he was about to be alone in a room with Emmett, and nothing else in the world mattered. 

Their room was in the attic, with the pitched roof making them both have to hunch when they walked in. On the other hand, it made it much smaller and cozier than it would have been otherwise. It didn't matter that the room was drab and empty as a monk's cell. It had a single chair under the window and a bed, and that was all they needed, Lucian supposed. 

He took off the soggy leather shoes and pulled off the ruined jacket, the empty button hole glaring like an accusing eye. He hung it carefully on the back of the chair anyway, since it was his only one. 

When he turned around, Emmett was sitting on the edge of the bed, slowly removing his own wet shoes. Lucian noticed the dark smudges under his eyes and realized that Emmett was completely done in. In his memories, Emmett had always seemed like a tower of strength - especially compared to Lucian himself - doing the tough physical work on the farm unflinchingly and then stealing away the hours to spend doing a different kind of work with Lucian. It had always taken all of the Darnay pride for Lucian not to admit that he didn't have Emmett's energy or stamina, pride and the fear of looking weak in front of someone he loved.

"Are you coming to bed?" The question should've had him tugging at his trousers, but now that he was listening for it he could hear how Emmett's voice was low, thin and worn out. It was more than enough to hold Lucian's libido in check. 

Emmett had been sick, he reminded himself. His new, thinner physique wasn't just due to the time spent working in the bindery. 

He sat down next to him. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I am."

Lucian just looked at him, and for a moment it turned into a staring contest.

Emmett finally sighed, giving up. "I guess I'm just a little tired. It's been a long day," he understated. "I'll be fine after some sleep."

That was all it took for Lucian to completely reprioritize everything that was going to happen that night. He pulled down the blankets and gestured at Emmett. "Get in."

"Not your most seductive moment, Lucian." At least it earned him one of Emmett's private smiles, one he'd waited months to see. 

He rewarded the smile by leaning in and kissing Emmett hard once, pulling away before either of them could get carried away. "Get in," he repeated. "We have plenty of time for seduction later."

This time Emmett must've realized he was serious, because he slid under the blankets without protest. As Lucian settled in next to him he felt a wave of familiarity, remembering how easily he would have slipped behind Emmett and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him close and pressing their bodies together, kissing the back of Emmett's neck, nipping at his shoulder until Emmett pushed back playfully, fingers wrapping around Lucian's and squeezing hard.

Emmett raised an eyebrow, clearly expecting something more, but Lucian just pulled him close and breathed him in.

He touched Emmett's face and followed his fingers with his lips, kissing the rough stubble on his cheek and pulling away before Emmett could kiss him back.

"Sleep," he told Emmett. "There'll be plenty of time for everything else." He pressed one last kiss to Emmett's forehead and pulled away as much as he could bear. He pulled the thin covers up to his chin and listened to Emmett's breathing until it finally began to slow and even out.

All Lucian could think of was the night they had spent together, when Emmett had done everything he knew Lucian loved, and Lucian had felt nothing but scorn for him. There were so many things in his life he would love to change, but that night, and the morning after when he'd crept away like a thief, were some of the worst.

He thought it would be hours before he fell asleep, since he had so much to think about, but the next thing he knew the room was dark and the moon had moved, and Emmett's hands were stroking his chest. 

Once Emmett realized he was awake, he leaned into kiss Lucian on the mouth, and Lucian could feel his smile.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

Emmett made an affirmative noise and kissed him again. "I missed you, you know. I didn't really let myself think about it, how much of a hole not having you in my life made for me."

Lucian kissed him again, loving the idea that he'd be able to do this for the rest of his life. That was always what he'd wanted through their long stolen summer, but he'd never really thought he'd get it. He'd never managed to get anything he'd really wanted, and he'd never wanted anything as much as he'd wanted Emmett. 

He unbuttoned Emmett's shirt and punctuated each button with a kiss before pushing him onto his back and sliding down to kiss his chest. He moved his thumbs against his nipples slowly at first, before speeding up as he felt Emmett's breathing shudder. This part had always been easy between them, even the very first time. He could feel Emmett hard against his thigh and knew he had to take it slow because otherwise this was going to be over far too quickly. 

Emmett was far thinner than Lucian remembered, and most of the formerly well defined muscles in his arms were gone. It forced Lucien to be more gentle, remembering how sick Emmett had been, remembering, above all, that he hadn't come for him in time to stop it. He supposed he would feel guilty about that for the rest of his life.

When he took Emmett into his mouth, he felt Emmett's whole body jerk. He had missed this. He knew Emmett's body almost as well as his own, knew exactly what to do to elicit exactly the response he wanted. When he felt Emmett's fingers tighten in his hair, he smiled and held him through the aftershocks. 

It was hard not to get lost in so many memories of Emmett naked beside him, Emmett moaning his name and Emmett's hands all over him. They were so intense that he barely noticed Emmett unbuttoning his trousers until he felt Emmett's thumb circling the head of his cock, and the rest of his hand closing loosely over his length. His hands were smoother now, all the calluses melted away, and that was different enough to help Lucian push the memories away and focus.

Emmett's grip tightened, his fist speeding up exactly the way Lucian needed it to, and he bit Lucian's earlobe just hard enough, just perfectly enough, to push him over the edge.

He lay for a long moment staring into the shadows, his head very pleasantly empty.

Emmett snuggled closer, arms around his waist. "We'll continue this in the morning," he murmured into Lucian's shoulder. 

"Definitely."

*

Dawn was breaking as they lay together, and Lucian watched the light enter the uncurtained window and spread slowly across the opposite wall. Emmett's head had migrated to his chest and he could tell hEmmett wasn't asleep.

It was going to be a long day, but for the first time - maybe in his entire life - Lucian felt okay about his future. He wasn't foolish enough to think anything at all would be easy but he did know that he and Emmett would figure it out together.

And that was enough.


End file.
